Thinking back of the years struggling with infertility and the disappointment of getting my cycle month after month, even after IUI's and praying...it seems that the road is so very long. However here we are, 4 months pregnant and creeping closer to the 1/2 way point than we ever could have imagined.
Life is ever changing. I put up this little quote above, because the truth of it slams into home. The storm of our infertility uprooted all of the things that we were. Our first year of marriage, the happiness and joy that should have filled our lives that was robbed from us. It sneaked up on us like a thief. A thief to rob us of excitement and simple joys, of all of the amazing things we went through like buying a house or traveling or enjoying the animals we adopted or even simple nights at home. I am the first to admit I spent almost every day of the last year crying. Not just little tears, but sobs and sobs. I will forever be sorry for my tears, the only issue was I couldn't control them. When others got pregnant around me it drove me deeper into depression. I got off of Facebook because I couldn't handle seeing everyone else get what I wanted.
People would say, No, no! Look at your lives! You and Matt travel the world, you fly! You are SO LUCKY! But the truth remained...my womb was empty. It hurts. It cuts. Even my family didn't understand what I was truly suffering from and honestly I think that many still don't get it. The storm raged on and on...and yes, we may be coming out the other side, but you are never really too sure. Do I still worry about not carrying this child to term? Of course I do! But he is in God's hands and Lucky will either stay snug or not. There is nothing I can do to change that. And that is wherein lies the change.
I am emerging out of this pregnancy as a different woman. I am stronger, I am more humble. I am more accepting and understanding. I am more focused on what truly is important in this life. I am embracing the people who support us and have supported us from day one. I am falling deeper in love with my husband every day.
Now I know I will never be able to get back the time of joy that was robbed from us, but I surely can make up for it by living in the moment. For being aware of the meaning of the little things. I am mindful of everyone around us and before I gloat about the happiness we have in this pregnancy - I find myself asking if the person I am about to tell, is suffering their own long, painful, infertile journey. I am a changed woman. I am the best person I have ever been in my life. It is amazing how the simple act of the process will truly set you free. I may be changed, but I am free in my soul.
As we close in on the end of May, I am pleased the little steps I've taken for the nursery are coming along just as I hoped. I finished the dresser and tidied up the corner of the room where it will stay. I put on the changing pad and prepped a basket of a few toiletries for Lucky.
The room is emptied awaiting a crib when we save up for it, my rocking chair, a fluffy little carpet for under our feet and a few more essentials to make it feel complete. Tonight when I was walking out of the room taking pictures, the light poured in through the windows making the coral curtains glow a magical color. I took a deep breath in, and thanked God for every little miracle and every little blessing he has given us. Even if that journey took me through mud, wind, rain and sleet. Look where we are. Almost week 17. Goodnight my friends. Much love :)